This past weekend, May 18th we celebrated what would have been Jim's 63rd birthday with the Rich extended family.  The family gave me a wonderful memento; a bronze statue (pictured above) of a 'kokopeli-type' biker crossing the 'finish line' with his arms outstretched and wide open.  It was a reminder that Jim has truly kept the faith, finished the course, and is....FREE!  I was also given a smaller statue of two bikers (labeled Poppy and Honey) riding tandem!  Love them both! 

Now, if only I can keep this perspective; Jim gliding happily along on the other side of the vail and me riding along with him...forever!

Today I had a friend and a niece send me some quotes of comfort.  One said that the way to find joy is through gratitude.  Earlier this year when Jim's cousin (who is also suffering from cancer) asked him what he was 'feeling' knowing he had a terminal illness, Jim's reply was...

"GRATITUDE"!  His cousin replied back...."exactly my feelings"!  Pretty remarkable of these great men!

Interesting that lately, even thru all the tears, I find myself also being GRATEFUL.  It's a way of 'remembering' that surprisingly makes me happy!  I'm so very grateful that we found each other and that through those dating years (by the way, only three, not eight) we were still there for each other.  Grateful for a lasting love, a wonderful marriage, fabulous family and friends and amazing memories to cherish!   And...I'm hopeful that if I can hold onto this GRATITUDE, maybe the JOY will follow! The other little bit of wisdom sent by a friend, was a quote from Audrey Hepburn:  
"Nothing is impossible...the word itself says.. I'm possible"!  

My new mantra.....I'M POSSIBLE!

   Yesterday, we also celebrated what would have been our darling little grandson Jack's 6th birthday.  His mother, Tiffany, had a dream that Jack and Jim (with May birthdays two days apart) are now missionary companions happily 'engaged in the work'!  I love that dream and will hold on to it for keeps! 

Now it is beautiful MAY!  Flowers are blossoming the world is green and alive and time is moving on, or so it seems.  In my heart I want time to stand still, not to have distance between our last days with Jim.  I know this isn't possible! I know that everyone else has lives that go on unchanged.  So, I have to develop new perspective; find new paths on my own journey.  Another friend sent me the theme from this years BYU Womens Conference (I think from D&C) which seems meant just for me!
 "Therefore, continue your journey and let your hearts rejoice; for behold, and lo, I am with you even until the end!" 
 Continuing the journey is the only option, yes?  As surely as I know that the Lord will be with me, I know Jim will be as well.  He knows ....I still need him!
Missing him like crazy!