THE 'HOLIDAYS, A FEW 'PROJECTS' and 'THE JIM CHRISTMAS TREE'

A friend reminded me recently that I haven't posted for a while so I'll try to re-cap, mostly so I can remember!  

I  had many reminders early on that the 'holidays' would be a difficult time for me, so I decided to create a project or TWO to keep me occupied - and lo...DID THEY EVER!

Right after Halloween I realized that the whole lower floor of our home had for some time been neglected.  The hole in the sun room wall that Jim had fixed from the outside five years earlier, hadn't been patched inside, the part of the basement wall that Bobby painted while he and Sara lived with us nearly two years ago, was making the rest of the walls look lonely.  The carpet (21 years old now and having lived through 4 dogs) was needing to be retired!  So - I went 'at it' and ended up with a painter, a carpenter and a carpet layer helping me through November...all good friends and good company for Rosie and I!

When one decides to re-carpet and paint 3,000 square feet of space, one should consider the consequences.  Like all the 'stuff' the children have left on the floors of their bedrooms and closets that have to be organized and moved!  Then there's the moving of the furniture (beds, dressers, work out equipment, etc).  Thank goodness for strong sons (and son-in-law) to help.  Then to add to the fun, our friend who built our home 21 years ago, re-did the heating system in the sun room so that we actually have heat in there in the winter.  When he finished, Jim's sister Mary Ellen and I painted the walls! The putting back together of everything was equally challenging!  Along with fixing electronics, hanging new light fixtures, re-hanging pictures and cleaning, we also decorated  for Christmas and a holiday 'open house', which I decided was also something I NEEDED to do to keep me occupied!  NUTS, I know, but I just wanted to be able to thank so many people who have helped us through this past year and a party seemed the way!

The best part of all the activity was the decision to do a 'Jim Christmas tree' for just our family!  Jim told me last year as we toured the Festival of Trees, that he did NOT want our family to do a festival tree for him.  I think he figured that I would not only buy a new tree and all the decorations, but that I would re-buy it at the festival to have it forever.  Good thinking Jim! 
Our JIM TREE (pictured above) turned out to be a wonderful family effort, with not only our children and grandchildren helping, but Jim's and my siblings contributing ideas and time!  I bought our FIRST EVER ARTIFICIAL TREE (a hard decision since we've always had live trees) for the project and here's what went on it; the musical saw and bow, a baseball and mitt, bicycles, hard hats, mini saws, musical notes, angels, reindeer (he was a 'dear), hanging 'tools' and myriads of pictures of Jim and family!  The 'crowning touch' was the 'topper'; a star created by Coby, made from a bicycle spoke and chain and lit for special effect!  Quite impressive, if we all did say so.  I know Jim is pleased as punch, probably mostly that I didn't pay for all of it TWICE! 

With all of that, it has still probably been the most difficult time of I've ever lived through.  Two invites to Thanksgiving dinner (Mary Ellen's son Jason and Rob and Liz at Jeremy Ranch) was nice, but it was also very strange (with the kids all at their in-laws this year)!  I cried all the way down Parley's canyon after leaving Rob's!  It's JUST PLAIN PAINFUL to be without your sweetheart this time of year....anytime, when he's been such an amazing presence in your life.  As I've said, I've taken crying new levels this year but it is often the only way I can feel 'relief' and get through my days!  I still feel Jim very close.  I am grateful for his presence and know he keeps special watch on our family - and particularly me.  He would always tell me he didn't know what he would do without me.  I never imagined what I would do without him.  But one thing is for sure....you have to keep DOING!  I was called to be the ward choir director and, despite my lack of expertise, it's also been a healing help.  I realize that I have much to be grateful for (so much) and I know Jim would expect this of me!  It's painful to see other couples, especially this time of year, realizing their 'complete' joy!  Knowing that we had such a blessed family and the most wonderful marriage for thirty six years helps!  Knowing that I have Jim 'forever' and that we'll be together again keeps me sane!  Knowing that the Lord is aware of all that is going on is a necessary comfort!  I move toward the new year, not knowing the path, but hopeful of the journey!

Halloween and Hope

It was an eventful October!  The Rich clan had what is going to become an 'annual Pumpkin carving party' at the Yalecrest Ward.  My efforts were a tribute to Jim (carved on ONE pumpkin and pictured below).  There were many spectacular entries and I wish I could picture them all!  It's always fun (and comforting) to be with Jim's family.  They are a great group and I feel lucky to be a part of their history.

That same week, a fun party was had at the home of my cousin Linda McMullin Roylance.  It's an understatement to say that she goes 'all out' when decorating.  It might even be 'over' over the top, and Halloween is no exception.  Pictured below is her Witchy luncheon with the McMullin girls and her beautifully set table.  Her whole home is a wonder to behold on any holiday.  If she had time, you'd see her all over 'pinterest' or her works published in 'House Beautiful'!

Then, since I don't have my children for Thanksgiving this year, I decided to do a Halloween dinner and party.  It was not quite the 'gala' that was last years, but we had a costume  parade and contest, diving for donuts, cupcake decorating and played musical chairs.  It was CRAZY and CHAOTIC but I think the kids had a blast!  Since I don't have the usual noise level at my house that my children do ALL THE TIME, I think it's FUN now and then to have everyone running around and squealing at high pitch!  They (my children) on the other hand, have a hard time really enjoying the free-for-all!

On Halloween night, I did my usual (cider and donuts) for the neighbors.  We are getting fewer and fewer numbers all the time, but I feel I must keep up the tradition that some still look forward to.  But when all MY little ones came to trick-or-treat down our street, I put a sign out, left the goods on the front porch and went with them.  I think I can count on one hand how many times I've been out on Halloween.  Jim was with the kids when they were young and then they were on their own.  He went again when we had grandchildren .... and I just felt like I wanted to be in the fray this year!  It was a great night to be out - just right - and was so fun to watch the little ones get so excited!

 That night, when I turned out the lights, blew out the candles and closed up, I got into my new hot tub - just outside of our bedroom and had myself a really good CRY!  I know that Jim walked the streets with us that night.  He LOVED his grandchildren and LOVED watching them .... move!  I know he wouldn't have missed it - which just made me wonder.....WHY DID HE HAVE TO BE CALLED HOME?  What could be more important that being with his FAMILY who adored him?  It wasn't a 'why me' pitty cry - it was just a 'oh darn it' cry, which happen quite often lately.  I find myself asking....'JIM, what are you DOING???  I want to know .....are you still YOU, taking an interest in the wonders around you and in people?  I want to know that he is with family and feeling relief and JOY and hopefully, not missing me as much as I miss him!

A few days later, I received a letter from my friend Shauna, whose husband Ron also passed away from ALS.  She wrote me about a book she had read called 'City of Tranquil Light' about a Mennoite couple who serve a mission in China. They have many sturggles and yet endure because of their HOPE!  A quote she sent reads;

"We often wait for God with hope.  We may feel nothing, but we do not rely on our feelings.  When we don't feel hope, we wait for it and it always comes'!

"God honors our sorrows by allowing us to experience them.  How else to deepen us"?  How else to increase our trust"?

Needless to say, it struck a powerful chord, as I still seem to be pleading for my faith to increase in the HOPE of what the eternities are about.  Being HOPEFUL sometimes seems like all I do!  I have to believe it strengthens and deepens me because in its absence, I don't think I could move forward!  Sometimes I feel I take it for granted and sometimes, many times lately, I feel like I am WAITING for it!   But then there is a Sunday like this past one, when the lessons touch my soul with a powerful peace that all is well.  That Jim is busy - taking an interest in others, teaching the gospel, being with his family in heaven, talking about his family on earth and endearing many to him so that they can accept the Gospel of Jesus Christ through his love.  It WAS and IS ....his way.  It's then that my HOPE is restored!

So, in knowing (HOPING) that he is still 'being and doing' and experiencing more than I could ever now imagine.........I lay down to sleep and say out loud....

"I LOVE YOU JIM RICH"!  Stay close!

Mason (the skelton)

Millie and Daphne (the Penquins)

Tyson (Rapunzel's pet Pasqual)

Cousin Linda's fabulous Halloween luncheon!

Linda, Janette, me, Liz, Patty!

My 'Jim' pumpkin (all in one)

Lance, Olivia, Tyson and Marianne as

Flynn Ryder, Rapunzel, Pasqual and Mother Gothal!

Lulu the ladybug-fairy!

Sammie as Dorothy!

 Anna, Millie, Pat and Daphne as

Mary Poppins, penguin, Burt and baby penquin!

St. George for UEA

Marianne, Tif, Coby and Lance at St. George home

Corbin turned 8 last summer - a great swimmer without all the water weenies!

 Coby with Cole and Marianne with Olivia and Tyson - we loved the pool this trip!

4 year old Jaden went back and forth from the 'warm' shower at the pool!

 We always like a trip to Judds candy store on Tabernacle St.

The Rich family had our first UEA week at the St. George home this fall.  

Only Coby and Marianne's families were able to come, but we had a wonderful few days in the beautiful southern Utah sun!  

The last time we were able to go down was in February 2012 for Valentines Day.  Jim was able to come along and was, as usual, the best sport from his wheelchair.  We took him everywhere with us and he loved 'watching' even though his heart was, I know, aching!
  This trip reminded all of us how much he loved taking advantage of whatever place we visited.  Coby took a ride up Snow Canyon, getting emotional as he remembered that was his last ride with his Dad.  Jim loved to have a good 'adventure' and especially loved it when the family would join in.  We  have wonderful memories of camping in Snow Canyon with all the Rich clan - years before the Patterson family purchased the home at Lakota Ridge.  We watched hot air balloons float up the canyon and land on rocks right by our campsites.  We hiked and played in the sand dunes and explored caves.  My Dad used to take us on camping outings yearly in southern Utah when I was young.  He loved the open spaces and natural beauty of the area just as I know Jim did.
I never really appreciated it until I saw all my children loving adventuring in the red hills.  Now I feel the strength, serenity and peace that they say the red rock radiates.  It truly is a wondrous and spiritual place and I am grateful we have such a beautiful home now to enjoy!The only hard part was coming home.  

I didn't even have to walk in the house before I was crying my eyes out from missing my darling Jim.  It is lately unbearable to be without him, and I never feel it more than when I head back home (especially as the sun sets) realizing he is not going to be there.  The days don't seem to be easier in any way as time passes.  If anything, I miss his presence more than ever, realizing how long it's been since he held me and kissed me.  I am angry at the disease that took him from me and our family.  It is NOT FAIR!  I am wanting him tell me there is rhyme and reason to it all.  I am NOT a good LONE person and you can feel 'alone' with people all around you.  In my prayers, I beg him to stay earthbound for me to help me get through this agonizing loneliness.

Someday I'll be better......I think.  I'm doing the best I can.  I get up every morning.  I walk Rosie and do the dishes and laundry like I've always done.  I have lunch and dinner dates with thoughtful friends, I spend time with family and grand kids and sit on the pews in church.  I say my prayers and do the bills and try to fill my life with happy moments.  But.....I MISS HIM SO MUCH!!!!!  My life will never be the same...I will never be the same!  Still - I have to be grateful for the blessings I have.  I do know I have been blessed!
Just so wishing that Jim was still here to share those blessings with me!   

Sacramento in September

Having Sara, Marianne and Charlie's birthdays all within a couple of weeks of each other seemed like a good excuse to visit our California kids this month!

Bob is finishing up his last year of his Prosthetics/Orthodics residency in Sacramento and an hour flight makes it just too convenient to visit them as often as possible.  This time it was so fun to be able to have Marianne, Lance, Olivia and Tyson join me.  Our three year olds Duncan and Olivia really hit it off and had the time of their lives playing in the backyard and at all the kiddie venues we visited.  It was so fun to observe them practicing how to share and playing 'make believe' together.  We took a little side trip to Monterey to visit the amazing Aquarium there, had an afternoon soaking up the California sun on the beach, played at Dennis The Menace Park and took a tour of the Jelly Belly Factory all in 4 days!  Bob and Sara are always such gracious hosts giving up their bed to visitors, so we spent a couple of nights at a Marriott near Monterey just to give them a break from their blow up mattress on the living room floor.

Thanks Bob and Sara....we LOVED EVERY MINUTE with all of you!

 

First stop FUNDERLAND.....3 year old HEAVEN!

Livie and Duncan had a BLAST on the AUTO CARS!

Couldn't stop Marianne from riding the AIRPLANES!

Sara and Marianne celebrated September BIRTHDAYS!  Chocolate almond cake....YUM!

Lance, Marse, Bob Sara and Charlie on Santa Cruz BEACH

The group at the MONTEREY ACQUARIUM

BEAUTIFUL California weather!

The KIDS in a (nut) SHELL!

Bob, Sara Charlie and Duncan!  Celebrated Charlie's FIRST BIRTHDAY too!

Daphne Rich / 9-16-13

 

The Circle of Life

On September 16th our 14th grandchild was born, making the score GIRLS 5, BOYS 9!  I like to believe she was a few days past due because Jim wanted that time with this pretty little girl on the other side of the veil.  He loved his grandchildren with an enthusiasm that was very obvious.  Even in his wheelchair he found JOY just 'watching them move'!

Daphne Elinor weighed in at 8 pounds 5 ounces, 21 inches,a crop of dark hair and all the right particulars.  She will be adored by her parents Pat and Anna-Lisa, sister Millie ..... and all of us!

Best blessings of all!

SUMMER'S END!

Summer is on it's way out so before it goes, I wanted to capture a few 'Rich' moments.  However, I am such a bad picture taker (never have the camera when I need it) so I have only a few photo memories to actually share for now!  The rest I'll just have to recall in writing!  

I am very grateful that most of our five children and their family's are close by.  I have truly enjoyed their company this summer and sharing Bear Lake with them has kept my sanity in tact!  I think I have mentioned that the little projects at the cabin have also helped me keep my mind occupied.  I love the screened porch that Jim ok'd to attached to the south side of our deck.  It adds another dimension to the cabin and gives us some breathing room when all the grand kids are there.  As I write, a storage shed is being built under the deck; room that has been badly needed since we turned the ground floor of the cabin into bedrooms.  I think Jim would be really pleased with the way things have turned out!

The boys (Coby, Ben and Lance) have been playing with their new wave runners on on the lake all summer and Pat has had fun with the little lazer boat he brought back to life! We've hardly used the big boat we have shared with the Sonnenberg family, as the grand kids that can easily ski and wake board behind the wave runners.  As for me, it took getting out the boat over Labor Day to pull my posterior out of the water but I did my token summer ski (if only for a few minutes)

Ski at 63....yeah!

We had a memorable Bear Lake cabin 50 year reunion in July!  I have to philosophize here a minute.  THANK GOODNESS for the CABIN!  I know that my children have loved the associations with their extended family over the years.  I think they kept themselves occupied and out what might have been troublesome teen years.  I watch their children being inventive and creative without the use of their electronic devices - and associating with their little cousins and know they love Bear Lake summers just as much as I did growing up.  It's been a place of  peace, play and posterity for fifty years and I send a big THANK YOU to my parents for making it so important in our lives and for Jim coming to love it as I have.  Hoping the happy times continue for years to come! 

I'm not sure I mentioned before that the Dennis Group sponsored a bike ride in July in honor of Jim (which I DO have pictures of)!  Coby and Pat were able to participate and after the ride, we were all treated to a fabulous picnic at the Terraces up Millcreek Canyon.  This is a great group of people.  No wonder Jim wanted to finish up some projects with them before he had to quit last year.  I feel I will always have friends there and am so grateful that Jim is well remembered!  
THANK YOU ALL!

We also had our two oldest grandchildren baptized this summer.  (Of course, no pictures!)  This was the goal Jim was trying to live long enough for - but I know he participated (probably in better form than he would have if he was around)!

We are so proud of Corbin Rich and Samantha Rich.  Hard to believe they are eight; they are all growing up way too fast.  

Of course, I mentioned that my Mom also passed away in July.  Quite a year - this 20...13!  Life is truly Yin and Yang (sp?)

An added bonus to the summer days was my invite to attend the 45 year East High Reunion.  Since East is 100 years old this year, the class of '68 opted for the mid-decade reunion and invited me.  I felt very welcomed and was happy to have heard so many nice things said about Jim from his classmates.  Ron Larkin was in charge of the 'party' along with a committee of most of our East High study group members and they all did a fabulous job.  Before I had to leave, they did a little tribute to Jim and told me I would always be welcome as an honorary member of the class of '68.  It was such a nice evening and I was so glad that I went, despite desperately missing Jim.  I know he would have been happy I was there!
 To end the summer, I'm headed to Sacramento the end of September with Marianne, Lance and their little ones to visit the California Rich clan.  We will celebrate Sara, Marianne and little Charlie's birthdays, travel to Monterrey for a couple of days and just enjoy good company.  Bob is in his final year of his Prosthetic /Orthotic residency and hoping to soon decide where they will settle for the next few years. 

So, where am I?  Well, I seem to be busy!  I'm the new ward choir director, I'm surrounded by family and friends, I'm eating out way too often and planning a lot of get-away's.   I can't sit still to read a book...or stay in one place too long.  I'm cleaning out Jim's den (36 years of never throwing a SINGLE THING away)!  His records are spotless but there are MILES TO GO, papers to shred and new responsibilities along with old memories endlessly flooding my wee  little brain!  Nights are still hard, I cry through my prayers (and often) and I lay awake wondering why someone like me who has always needed people SO MUCH, is suddenly ALL ALONE in this big house!  How did this all happen....there must be a reason!  What is our life's plan?  Did we both know this would happen in our pre-mortal existence and were still happy to come?  
I have also been blessed with some undeniable experiences of spiritual comfort since Jim's passing!  Interestingly, I have recently felt close to my Dad, who has been gone for nearly 3 decades.  Maybe it's because Mom and Jim are with him, urging him to 'tell me how it is'!  It was always hard not to believe every word my Dad said, as he was usually so conscientiously correct and always spoke with conviction!  In 'my minds eye' my Dad is young and vital as are Jim, Mom and our little grandson Jack who left us as an infant. Non of them appear to be old or...as they were when I last saw them!
Happily, I feel Jim's presence often and even sense his 'impish' grin as I'm getting ready for my days.  Sometimes I can hear his hearty laugh at some of the things I do; sometimes he'll urgently repeat my name, reminding me to do something I would never have thought of.  I am grateful beyond measure for this comfort.  Life after this life has to go on and so what choice do I have but to do likewise, even though the MISSING is SO HARD.  I pray that Heavenly Father will allow Jim to stay close, always.  I pray he is happy, at peace and busily engaged in those things the Lord knows he can do so well.  I pray he is with all our loved ones and also understands our mourning him; that he knows how very much he is loved and missed.  I know I can move forward if he is there!  I think he's grateful I have my little 'sidekick', Rosie.  Have I mentioned how much I love my little dog?  She has been a blessed addition to the empty holes in my life.  We both were 'rescued' when I found her!
Well, that's it for now.  Tired - going to bed!  Hoping for happy dreams!

COBY AND BEN TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE SHALLOW WATER FROM THE LAKE GOING DOWN!

JULIE AND HOWARD TULLIS CAME FOR R&R

TIF'S BIRTHDAY!

WHAT A GOOD DAD - HAULING HIS FAMILY DOWN TO THE LAKE IN THE WAGON!

TWO OF MY DARLINGS, COLIE AND TYSON

THE DENNIS GROUP BIKE OUTING IN HONOR OF JIM!

A TRIBUTE TO MOM

My amazing Mom, Barbara McMullin Patterson was nearly 92 when she passed away July 30, 2013!  She had dementia the last several years and was in the Sunrise home for the past three.  Despite the discouraging aging process, she persevered to the end pretty darn well, still spreading her unique blend of humor and 'sunshine' to those around her.

Mom was my advocate, my friend, my mentor!

Her zest for life was, I think, her most endearing quality.  She could turn a cloudy day into a party with her (as Dad put it) 'damn positive attitude'!  She could summon the sun with her magic wand and make the rain disappear.  She embodied the meaning of the word 'enthusiasm or...'en-thus (or thee) I am', teaching us that since 'God is in us' we should be the best we can be!   She was generous, almost to a fault!  The more the merrier' was  her war-cry and she could draw people in and make them feel 'at home' like no other!  

Her Christmas neighborhood tea parties were everyone's favorite!  To we children, this was truly the 'magic' of Christmas.  We would leave for school the morning of the tea party with the house in complete disarray and come home to 'fantasy land'!  Mom would have catering ladies in the kitchen putting out hors d'oeuvers and sweets, the 'halls would be decked' in holiday splendor (right down to the bathrooms), the table would be covered with colorful lace cloths adorned with glistening flying reindeer (or her latest centerpiece ..she had many) and our curler- topped, house-dressed mother had miraculously been transformed into  'the hostess with the most-est'!  It was....MAGIC!

Summers at Bear Lake were also magically engineered by Mom, who made sure that there was plenty of company (including families with cute boys) for we girls to entertain.  Before we could begin our play however, work was done and our guests were all part of that action.  Beds made, vacuuming, dishes, basic straightening of the cabin and then we were...free!   Mom usually made a big 'noon meal' so that she didn't have to be in the kitchen when it got hot.  She was a great cook (but messy - like me)!  She would drive the boat for us to water ski, take us raspberry picking or to Paris (Idaho) for the movie of the week then in the evening, teach us how to play cards.   If there was a chore to be done, we all 'pitched in' and, although it seemed like there was NO END to things she could find for us to help her with, she made it worthwhile by letting us play and party into the late night hours, being right there in the fray! 

She was a doer in the community and was dutiful serving in church callings.  She was the consummate ward and stake drama director, getting people up on stage that would never have dared.  She loved to work hard, play hard and laugh hard but often sought solace from all the activity in her sunken bathtub (sometimes with refreshments)!  She and Dad were as diverse a couple as you'll ever meet, but complimented each other in their various talents and activities.  They didn't see eye to eye on many things, but in raising their children they were in sync and enjoyed traveling and sharing with us more than anything! 

I love that Mom had such a great relationship with her children's in-laws.  She saw them as blessings in her life as well and they loved her back.  We all were the recipients of her generosity with family trips (adults and kids) and were 'treated' many times over to cultural events in the city!
She hosted 'most' of her grand children on a trip when they turned 12; a fond memory for our children.  I'm sure they'd agree they couldn't have had a more FUN and energetic grandma (Mootsie)!  

Mom was exactly my age when Dad died.  I'm sure these past two years, she had no idea of what Jim and I went through with his illness, but I know now she is aware.  I look to her as my exemplar as I endure this 'hole' left in my life.  She was a widow for nearly 30 years and didn't let life pass her by!  She engaged it with her desire to be a contributor and to live life to it's fullest with people and places, even though I know there were lonely times.  That she lived so well, despite not having her companion is, I think, no coincidence.  I hold her example in my heart as the key to my moving on; as a guiding light as I go!

I've missed you for a long time Mom and am so happy you're 'back at it' in perfect form. Take good care of Dad, Jim and Jackie, as only you know how!
Make it happen!
I love you!

BELOVED BARB, MOM, MOOTSIE!

I JUST KEEP 'MOVING' - to east the pain!

It has been four months since Jim's 'crossing' and now my unique and amazing Mom has also 'turned out the lights' on her time here on earth!  I feel like my life has been 'flashing before my eyes' lately - that by tomorrow I'll be old!  There's a song that's called " I Just Keep Moving 'Cause it Helps to Ease! the Pain'!  So - that's what I've been doing....just moving!  It's completely necessary to NOT stop and think about things.  So, with the daily tears and the running back and forth from the lake, it truly been a LONG-SHORT summer!

Our screened porch project at Bear Lake had it's debut at the 50 year anniversary of the cabin on July 27th.  We had a bit of a drizzle that day, but still enjoyed the company of some wonderful friends who have spent time at the cabin over the years.  Dee and Ann (Adams) Bradshaw, Larry and Patty (Brown) Glade, Chris (Duncan) and Burt Wonnacott, Suzi (Duncan) and Scott Hansen, Wade Hansen and his 'boys', Brent and Jeanie Shuldberg, Georgia (Sorenson) and Mark Anderson, Jan (Sorenson) Marshall, and great friends invited by my siblings.
We ended the day with an evening picnic/campfire tribute to the cabin and especially Mom and Dad.  During the picnic we got word Mom had possibly had a stroke and wasn't doing well.  My thinking is that she knew there was a party going without her and decided if she couldn't be there, she'd begin her 'departure'!  

Rob visited with her the next day and said she was still awake and pointing up and holding her arms out (there were angels already excited for her to make her entrance) but hadn't eaten for a couple of days! When I visited Monday, she was unresponsive; eyes closed except a slight opening in her left eye and breathing easy!  I wanted so badly to see her pretty hazel eyes while I talked and sang to her, so I tried to hold her eyelids open.  Sometimes her eyes would flicker and once she tried to smile and I felt she could hear me so I poured out my heart to her.  I sang 'Bye Bye Blackbird, I rubbed her bony hands and tiny feel, smoothed her pretty white hair, kissed her, hugged her and told her to tell Jim I loved him and to send me a 'sign' all was well!  I told her it was OK to go - that we would miss her but all be fine and others were so excited to see her.  It brought back Jim's final minutes and even know I can't hold back the tears.  How are we supposed to endure such pain???  How are we supposed to be so brave and so hopeful that we will see them again???  What is this things called FAITH??? 

I know this life is a test and I'm finding that the 'blind faith' part of that test is something you can't cram for the night before.  It is truly an every day effort we make through our choices to be obedient, to listen to the holy ghost, to learn all we can, to keep communication open with heaven; to basically just keep TRYING and doing our BEST!   I do faithfully admit that I have recognized the warm blanket of the Holy Ghost surrounding me.  I believe I have heard the voices of angels speak through through my limited earthly mind and have heard their voices through music.  I FEEL Jim and Mom (and others I've loved so dearly) are alive through Christ's sacrifice and yet why is not having that SURE knowledge still such a painful test!  We can't really KNOW now and that is why we have to Forward All Issues To Heaven and just have FAITH!
My cute neighbor Cherie Broadwater loaned me a quote from Elder Holland that helps to 'ease the pain'!  

 With one voice and one accord, we bear witness that the gospel of Jesus Christ is the only way to satisfy ultimate spiritual hunger and slake definitive spiritual thirst.  Only He who was so mortally wounded knows how to heal our modern wounds.  Only One who was with God, and was God, can answer the deepest and most urgent questions of our soul.  Only His almighty arms could have thrown open the prison gates of death that otherwise would have held us in bondage forever.  Only on His triumphant shoulders can we ride to celestial glory - if we will but choose through our FAITH-fulness to do so.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland (October 1997)

I've watched Jim and Mom 'ride triumphantly' through life with their trials and so I am going to 'at least' TRY MY BEST to do the same! 

   For my amazing Mom, I cheer and celebrate her nearly 92 years as a person who knew how to draw people in and put them at ease; whose generosity, zest for life, love for family and God and positive spirit are unequaled!  For Jim, though he left us WAY TOO SOON, I know he was prepared!  He loved completely, lived worthily and 'crossed the finish line' as genuine and pure as he entered the race.  I feel his presence in my life; I know he is close and will continue to love and guide me, as I know a kind Father in Heaven, who also knows me, will do!  I know all those others who have passed their life's test; those who have also touched my life so deeply (Dad, our sweet Jackie, Riches, Pattersons and on and on (my 'chariot of angels') will continue to help me 'keep on moving to ease the pain'!  Onward and forward we ever must go!

Crossing the Finish line for MOM/MOOTSIE